Rocky Raccoon

Richard Furnstein: Ugh, can we skip this one? We can't? We really have to tell you about every Beatles song? Even the crummy ones for dumb children that are boring because kids like boring music because their brains are unformed? Really? Okay, take it away, Bunter. I'm going outside for a quick smoke.

Robert Bunter: Yes! It's go time. With "Rocky Raccoon," Paul uses the format of a nonsensical, western-flavored children's song to deliver a quintessential White Album melody. It's got that unmistakable mood of tentative melancholy that imbues other classics like "Cry Baby Cry," "Sexy Sadie," "I'm So Tired," "Blackbird," and "Dear Prudence." Everything's about to fall apart, Ringo just walked out, George Martin is disgusted, Yoko just followed John into the gent's room and Harrison is hogging the entire plate of digestive biscuits and English "crisps." Yet, we're still the Beatles, and we're going to sing you another sad yet uplifting song. Don't be fooled by the honking harmonicas, goofy voices, tack piano and scat singing: you're listening to the goddamn White Album and only an insensate clod would dare criticize even one glorious minute of this immortal masterpiece.

Richard Furnstein: Okay, I'm back. Did you talk about this song goes on for about three minutes too long? That Paul tries a Jagger-inspired American accent on this one? That the other Beatles were probably laughing at Paul for having the nerve to bring this one to the table?  This is the one song on The Beatles that makes me question the double album format. Sure, a single disc may mean that the world would never hear "Sexy Sadie" or "Savoy Truffle," but at least we would surely have been spared from this indignity.

Robert Bunter: You're certainly right about that. Stupid candy-ass Paul and his trifling ditties. Here's my impression of your dream-fantasy single-disc White Album edit: "Martha My Dear" (Slade cover version), "Wild Honey Pie," "Revolution 9" (extended mix from Kifauns To Chaos bootlegs), "Martha My Dear" (Beatles version), "Not Guilty," "Good Night." Plus a double A-side 45 with "What's The New Mary Jane" and "Old Brown Shoe" (1968 Esher demo). Only the classics for Richard Furnstein!

Richard Furnstein: "Rocky Raccoon" officially killed any chance for a song to start on an Am7. I guess Neil Young pulled it off about fifty times, but that's only because he added enough lurch to the chord to make it worthwhile. Paul's goal here is to provide the perfect starting chord for any douchebag in a baja to completely ruin a pleasant bonfire.

Robert Bunter: Now you're just baiting me.

Richard Furnstein: Sure am, "it's go time!" Oh wait, there's a story here, right? A raccoon or something is in the old west. He gets into some lover's quarrel and is shot in the leg and has to recover in a dingy hotel with a prostitute and a cross-eyed doctor. Then Paul doo doo doos all over the place, which doesn't really add to the character development. It does help you imagine this raccoon in a cowboy hat dancing around a diseased saloon for nickles. Thanks for the terrible plot for a Pixar movie, Paul.

Robert Bunter: I have to admit, that's a pretty funny paragraph. It's a shame that you don't use your comedic insights to celebrate great Beatles songs, instead of tearing them down.